93 posts tagged “dear diary”

I receive tons of forwarded messages every single day. I cannot read them all at once so I devised that at night, when every thing is peaceful and serene in my environment, I would read them all.

Because of this, I remembered I have kept a blog, which I started last year, to serve as an online repository of the messages I receive (and forwarded to many). There was a lapse in my posting there, but lately I have been posting like tons of messages there every week, like Saturdays or Sundays, depending on my will to purge my inbox. It's like electronic cleaning, but only good for the electronic soul. Haha. Duh! Like, whatevs, Boris.

Friends, visit my other blog, TXM8S, hosted at Blogspot. Some may be crap but for sure others are really a gem.

We were at the choir risers singing for the afternoon English mass when we were suddenly overwhelmed by the influx of parishioners who are vying for empty seats. Half-way through the mass, most people were standing up and sheepishly looking at the poster located at the risers that says, "For Choir Members ONLY".

We were all feeling the tension of people looking at the empty bench at the topmost of the risers. We all know they want to sit there so my co-member asked me, "Bakit di na lang natin pauupin ang mga tao dito sa taas?"

I told her that it was a "policy" so we cannot disregard that fact. "Eh bakit nung Pasko," she asked me. I retorted, "Iha, Pa-sko noon; ngayon, Pa-cquiao kasi."

Oh yeah, congratulations, Mr. Manny, although I was really rooting for a unanimous decision than what was given to you.

Have you ever experienced a day wherein you see your ex-flames' face where ever you go? I wanted to believe that I didn't but I think I did.

The whole experience was crazy! It was like suffering from dementia or something close to that.

I never ever wanted to have that again. Must purge every little single detail I can still remember about my former flame.

I think I'll start with deleting the pictures in my computer. That way, I can never stare at it again on my notebook.

Die, ex-flame, die! *emptying trash bin* ;D

I can't sleep. Every time I lay in bed my head feels like it's drifting in the ocean, my neighbor to the left has left her dog and now is wailing like its seeing ghosts while my neighbor to the right is having his usual "party" with his fellow countrymen dancing with an fugly pro... professional.

Maybe it's because in less than sixteen hours I have to meet up my parents at the airport. It has always been like this whenever one of them are going back home. I cannot sleep on the day before their arrival or either I get this fever I cannot explain how I got it. Are these withdrawal symptoms? Meeting your parents who have lived in other countries for your betterment for how many so years is like having an informational interview with you as the subject matter expert except that you don't know any of the stuff being thrown at you. The sensation is so intense that even my brother has to stay with his game console for hours before deciding that it was nap time because his eyes are too weak to even blink.

With what I'm experiencing nowadays, I don't know if I'm really, really sane. Me thinks I need therapy. But not to see a shrink. Maybe chocolates would do.

Gawd! How I wish I did not blew my one thou-zend pay-zez off a bag. Darn it.

Growth in numbers and in spirituality is what I always asked God for my choir and its members. I hate to say this but for months we have been stagnant: only a few (and I mean few) songs have been taught to us, motivation for members to show up is a little bit mundane even if I was giving grave threats of all sorts, and no parishioner has ever contacted us for interest in becoming a music minister.

I do not believe I have done my part that well. I know we gave out mini-fliers that I printed, posted primers and membership forms that I also printed, and behaved and served well for people to be impressed and eventually be enticed to join the group. But never did I muster the strength to make an announcement during the interlude between the communion and the recessional parts of the liturgical celebration because of pride. Damn pride. Or was it the fear of affirming to myself that we are not growing. I know that we do a great job with our mass services but there is this need in me for the group to grow in numbers. I know spirituality will come, though at a later time, but I do believe that they'll slowly see the path that Jesus walked.

My worries were due to the things that transpired during the conversation we had with our newly installed parish priest. While practicing for our evening mass service that Sunday afternoon, he walked in and commended us that we do know our craft very well. Knowing that he himself is a former choir member, it felt like he was really impressed but I really saw something bad coming our way. Call it pessimistic outlook or years of training of knowing how people will actually soften the blow. I know very well that he will just sandwich a nasty violent reaction with first, comforting (not to mention flattering) words, and secondly, a recommendation. Boy did he ever made the first move! Suddenly, his tone changed and said that our "voicing" can't be heard over the audio system. He immediately ruled in the ultimate reason which is due to the acoustics of the parish so he encouraged us to really go near the microphones whens singing. Good thing the halitosis issue of a former member has been taken care of or I couldn't possibly stand singing the entrance hymn without vomiting the second we are in the first five notes of the song.

Moving on, he also scanned the room and quickly found out that there were only five of us present at that moment: my choirmaster, my two sopranos, my accompanist, and me. I told myself that we were doomed. He commented in our lack of number which my choirmaster clarified that others were just late for the practice. The priest brushed the excuse aside and told us that we should consider recruiting new members. And then he told us an unimaginable thing: merging with another choir. He particularly told us a specific choir who we can do the merger with.

Weeks passed and I forgot all about the blow. That does not sound right, eh? Well, Rich, our accompanist, told me that a merger was proposed unto us by the specific choir mentioned by our parish priest during the conversation. I said that I'll think about it but in a positive way. Our problem of getting members will be finally resolved although mergers are not my thing. I have this sorta bad experience during college about mergers. Let's say that it didn't go well for me and I ended up crying because I was hurt. A lot.

See, merging two groups are tricky: it will be a merger not only of systems, people, but of passion. Wait, that's a copy for a commercial regarding bank merging. Point taken from the thought actually but what is bothering me is my view of merger as a clash of cultures. Both groups all have established identities already and a shared experience or worldview about service in the church. I just cannot disregard those years we spent together as a group and the years they spent together as a group as well. It might be true that both groups share a passion for what we do best but there's always the but thing that will really bite you hard in the ass.

A part of me says that I'm just overanalyzing all the things that were said by my choir members about this merger issue like whose name of the group are we going to retain, what will be the flow of command, who will be in command, and the new (or soon-to-be renewed) interpersonal issues between the members of both groups. I have to have a meeting with the other group to slightly alleviate my worries or I'll lose my sanity and my precious sleep. Maybe it'll also be a good thing if we do the meeting with the parish priest. He shouldn't take this lightly because I'm not.

I left Manila on a sunny Friday morning in order to plan a good friend's birthday celebration in my house back in Novaliches. Having my place as the venue for the drinking spree is my birthday gift to her and it did not go exactly as planned.

Most of our co-members in the choir did not show up as planned so all the pansit bihon prepared by my friend's mom went into waste. Even if there were only a few of us present, we made the celebration a night to remember for her.

We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning joking around, eating junk foods, and talking about things that matter to us most. I, personally, learned a bit more about the hubby of one of my bestest friends in the whole wide universe.

Saturday came and it was the birthday of my Ninong. I did not go to his birthday to drink (yet again) because I told myself I have to recuperate from last night's gig. Though, I did not drink that much last Friday because I knew I have to be in control of myself. I promised to never drink again at my hometown and have been sober for almost four months now.

It also dawned to me that I miss a once good friend of mine. We have parted ways because of some controversy that plagued the whole village that is a definite source for a very good television drama series. Sometimes, you do have to burn bridges in order to help yourself. Not only is this true for love but is also true to friendships.

It's a sad fact of life that we all must face, and I faced mine with withdrawal symptoms at first. Maybe it was of natural occurrence to have those, but as I told my friends, "you have to suck it up." I do have to suck it up or else I'd lose my sanity. It's not easy to throw away three good long years of being together as friends especially if you have tons of experiences shared. It wasn't easy but I am proud to say that I have overcome it. Much like how I fought over my longing for an ex-flame's absence then.

Drinking, just like my penchant of sitting in my bathroom throne, helps clear the mind and reach mini-epiphanies every now and then. Mental note to self: Do yourself a favor and drink every other month.

"Ber" na naman, o kay tulin ng araw... 

There are many things worth celebrating this September. In the Catholic scene, the start of the "ber" months means Christmas is just around the corner! You start to hear Christmas jingles aired over the radio stations or morning television programs starting to count the days before the big commemoration day of Jesus' birth. Omg! I have to, as early as today, coordinate my choir's schedule to accommodate rehearsals for songs apt for the upcoming liturgical season.

Not only are we anticipating Advent and Christmas now that September has come, it's also Mama Mary's birthday on the 8th. I've been a Baclaran devotee since I was a kid and I always pray to her to help me intercede with Kuya and God. Our new parish priest, by the way, will be installed officially this 20th. I do hope I can grace the event together with the whole community of Deparo.

The Pope, earlier, also urged the youth to save planet Earth last September 1st even prompting the Italian Church to designate that day as Save Creation Day.

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Next in line is the start of US TV's Fall Season program comebacks. Me thinks I can download all my favorite series and be ahead of everyone else in the family. Hurray for me! I can watch Ugly Betty, Heroes, and Prison Break without having to wait for its Philippine premiere. I don't know nga lang with Supernatural; haven't checked the CW site pa eh. I also need not worry about my electric bill (due to all the downloading I'll be doing) because of this report. I hope tama ang pagkakaintindi ko.

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September also marks my first year anniversary here at Vox! My anniversary here was actually on the 1st; sadly, it's already past the date. However, it's not too late for a big celebration for me. Now, too, that I'm serious with blogging and documenting my life and thoughts online, I'm planning to do some choir management articles to jump-start my second year here in Vox. I hope it would be a great resource for choir managers alike. It's not that I want choir managing as a profession here in the Philippines; I just want to do my share in helping fellow choir heads be the best that they can be.

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There might be no known Philippine holidays this September (as far as my memory goes) but it does not stop us, Filipinos, from celebrating festivals this month.

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My parents are also celebrating their 31st (yata; I'm forgetful with math and that includes counting) wedding anniversary on the 9th! I'm happy to know that their marriage has lasted this long and I'm truly grateful that they set an example of a tested relationship that I can emulate once I settle down. I wish them more years of happy and fruitful marriage.

My cousin, Arnie, on the other hand, is celebrating his 13th feastday on the 24th! I wish him health and the will to learn in speaking in a correct manner. We still haven't really diagnosed his speech defect with a speech pathologist but we're doing all our darnest best to make him utter like normal people do.

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According to my lola, the start of the "ber" months makes the days seem to go by faster than usual. Well, with all the things to be thankful for, there'd be little time to celebrate all of it. ^_^

Lunar Eclipse

Earlier today, my aunt and I were joking on how strange things are happening and all of the bruhaha is coinciding with the lunar eclipse that will happen some time later this night. My older brother was in an awfully sadistic and sarcastic mood this morning while my other cousin was sporting a temper before going to his school. My sister, for the second time in a row, paid for our lunch meal. And, tonight, my brother Adnan and I were talking all about ourselves (our situations, our friends, etc.) in English. It was outrageously weird because we never had conversations that has little epiphanies in between topics.

Revelations came out one after another. We both lament, abhor, aghast, mourn, laugh, and criticize every nitty-gritty details on various topics that concerned our lives. I, with his help, reevaluated how my friends treat and view me, how a certain ex-flame just keeps getting into my already clogged nerves, how I always feel underappreciated among friends and even our family, and how imbecilic of a minute organism (with an disgusting and degrading case of halitosis) to character assassinate my friends for the karma thrown back at him by the cosmic universe out there.

We both felt much closer and hugged after overloading our systems with information. My blank mind is whirling away with ideas right now that I cannot sleep after feeling such a zombie for the past few days.

I just cannot find a reputable proof on the Net that lunar eclipses sabotages your emotional stability. I should give up now that I think it'll be over (or it might have been over). 

Lagi akong nanonood ng reruns ng The Simpsons kapag nasa bahay ako. Wala akong magawa kung hindi tumawa ng tumawa kasama ng mga pinsan kong tinamaan din ng katimangan tulad ko. My sister kasi also likes the series that is why she started her DVD collection of the animation's first seasons while the new ones are downloaded over the Internet. Sa sobrang dami ng episodes na nakalagay sa collection, hindi ko na matandaan kung nasaang season at episode na yung huli kong napanood. Maski mga pinsan ko hindi alam kung asaan na kami. Mag-aaway pa kami kesyo napanood na daw namin yung ipinlay kong episode na I can't even remember watching. Ayun, huli sa akto na nanonood ang mga mokong kahit wala kami.

ang kapal ko

Nakikita ko sa telebisyon yung kanilang bagong movie. Napanood ko rin sa sinehan yung trailer ng movie nila, pero yung may cute na cute na bunny. Panalo yun, promise! I can't stop laughing that day. Yung trailer na iyon pinalabas yata nung nanonood ako ng Transformers sa MoA kasama ng kuya at pinsan ko.

Kaninang hapon, kasama ko naman yung mga mas bata kong mga pinsan. Nanood kami ng movie na mismo. On DVD. Pirated. At clear copy ito!

Merong nakalagay na website sa likod ng cover ng DVD. Simpsonize Me. Susubukin ko mamaya. Sana maayos naman ang lumabas na copy ko. Hehe ^_^

I loved you the way I knew how to love, how to make someone happy. But all my efforts were in vain without even knowing why. I never meant to fall for you; I just did. It disheartens me that you had to go away when you knew about my feelings towards you. It's like having your dreams shattered when you put all your efforts to build it.

I do hope someday I won't come to the point that I'll wish I haven't fallen for you. Sad I may be, I don't think I can accept your friendship. Not that I don't want to be your friend. It just tears me apart that all you can offer is that kind of relationship.

I guess... this is goodbye for us. Wait. There has never been an "us" in our encounter. There never was, yes, that's true. And, I know, there never will be one.

Thank you for everything; and, please, just for this once, don't laugh when I tell you: "Minsan, Minahal Kita."